The experience of a sex doll collector

 

14 September 2017

As requested, I am writing down my experiences as a doll collector. You’ll notice that I try to explain why this solution works for me. That’s why I’ll introduce the person behind Albert Issendorf, which isn’t my real name. I’ll start with thoughts on beauty, and then paedophilia.

The first popular book of Dame Jane Goodall, primatologist, anthropologist, ethologist, describes a chimpanzee troop in Tanzania. Apes aren’t beauties anyway, but the ugliest female chimpanzee, Flo, had the richest sex life. That made me question, what makes humans seek beauty in their sexual partners? To apes it isn’t self-evident, but to humans it is. Love poems and love-songs glorify beauty. Classical statues and paintings glorify beauty. Magazines like Playboy glorify beauty. To a male, ‘she’ must be beautiful before he can put his d**k in. And if she isn’t, then he must be in love, which means that she’s beautiful in his mind. Why? Nature or nurture? I don’t know.

I am a human and to me beauty counts. Beauty arouses me, I can’t help it. And the most beautiful humans are children with their more-human-than-human proportions and more-human-than-human skins. It’s not only children that strike me. I have been married. But children strike me more strongly than adults. Primarily little girls. Remove the most obvious gender characteristics from a human body and you’ll have a little girl left. But I’m not sure that this is the main reason for me. I’m captivated by many things about the opposite gender. For instance, by the way girls urinate. Even when I am not conscious of sex at all, I’m still captivated by girls, I know that there are some paedophiles who are captivated by boys. For me it is girls.

I wasn’t interested in sexual feelings in the adults around me when I was a child, and now that I am an adult, I don’t bother children with mine. But I like conversing with children. Talking with adults often bores me, because they pretend that they understand things, and it surprises me when I realise that they don’t. Children don’t pretend, and they surprise me with how much they do understand. Just being friends with a child, boy or girl, is not arousing. In fact, when talking to them I forget that I can be aroused by children. Or should I say that I forget, until a girl climbs onto my lap. Although I love that, I don’t want the child to become aware of my arousal. I have found that I don’t need to panic because either I ask the child to get off, or they will get down of their own accord, before my arousal shows.

When I married, in 1990, I was well aware of my paedophilic feelings. I thought that I could forget them, which I did during the first years. But then? Like most marriages, there was a moment where the romantic love had to move to friendship. My wife refused to accept this change, she wanted more, but she wanted to receive what she couldn’t give.

Did I tell her what I could feel for children? Well, I told her that I’d like to see her without pubic hair. She didn’t want to discuss that and kept hers. I didn’t tell her more about my desires. After 18 years, it was impossible for me to go on living with her. I left, and after being separated for a while, she asked for a divorce. She shed some tears at the time, because implicitly, and for the first time, she was acknowledging that the love was over. To me, it was old news. I would still be married if she hadn’t asked for the divorce, for I’m no quitter. But I consider myself lucky. I’m much happier since I’ve been free.

Shortly afterwards, actually before the official divorce, I became interested in sex-dolls. I didn’t realise what I was looking for at the time. But, I was looking for a companion who would accept having sex without comment or condemning me, and who wouldn’t  say the wrong things. A doll doesn’t, for she doesn’t say anything. Realdoll is the brand that came to mind, and I looked at the dolls they offered. They were expensive. I had my doubts about the Realdoll faces. Sexy, sultry, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. I discovered an internet community around the life-size silicone dolls. I didn’t actually buy a doll but I started to contribute to the leading forum of that time.

There are three forums which write in English, in Canada (the best known), UK, and the USA. Remarkably, the owners of these (all of them have been running since 2009) are all married, and two of them are granddads. For them, a doll plays the role of an adult mistress in the marriage. The more I got involved in this world, the more I found that dolls play roles. Characters that their owners want them to play. Wardrobes are very important for most of them. Owning a doll is a hobby, and it is more than just sex, they play with their dolls.

All these internet forums have one thing in common, written into the forum rules, which is that child-like dolls cannot be discussed. The reason seems obvious – pictures of child-like sex-dolls can be considered child porn. But they don’t even allow pictures of dressed child-like dolls, or discussions about them without pictures. There used to be tolerance about the discussion of child-like dolls, but this has reduced in recent years. I think this is because the owners of life-like adult sex-dolls are a minority that society often judges. They don’t want to be confused with paedophiles, who face even more prejudice. They feel that they have enough trouble already with their own enemies.

I think this lack of solidarity is a mistake. Owners of life-like sex-dolls complain about biased comments like: “Get a real one, loser.” If there’s a valid argument to have life-like sex-dolls, it’s paedophilia. Nobody will ever tell a paedophile: “Get a real one, loser.” But the doll owners are afraid to use paedophilia as an argument. I don’t think they will ever get rid of negative comments.

When I left my wife, I became aware of my paedophilic feelings again. If anybody claims that those feelings can be cured or suppressed, I would say, ‘they can, but not for good.’ Having been honest enough to admit that I felt attraction to child-like dolls, I ordered a doll from Arte Tokio, maker of miniature silicone dolls. It was 2009, and the next year Arte Tokio went bankrupt. Their original business, miniature silicone dolls, is continued by Tokyo Doll and the name Arte Tokio is now owned by EXDoll. My doll is a little girl with nipples, belly button and pubic lips. She is 40 cm tall, including her head, and has a manga-like face. She is made of silicone rubber with an internal skeleton, so the skin is seamless. The skeleton was made of wire, which can break, so I have to be careful.

I had tried cheaper dolls before, but this was my first silicone doll. That was it! I was converted to the ‘doll hobby’. Umeko, the name I gave to her, really aroused me. I assumed that the reason was that she was life-like. But now, after eight years, I think that was nonsense. The silicone feels rather firm, it smells, pretty but not natural. The manga face isn’t life-like at all. She’s beautiful (of course dolls are made beautiful), but with a quality of her own. No, the reason why she aroused me was that I could give her a role. She is a little girl, a little more than 10 years old. Girls of that age are often shy about their bodies, and Umeko blushes a little. I notice that she blushes when I peep under her dress. That arouses me. Still, even after all these years.

Once I was convinced about the doll hobby, I decided to spend the money on a life-size silicone doll that I could have sex with. I felt really free to chose, child-like or not. I decided not; this doll would replace my ex-wife. I found that the Japanese manufacturers understood my needs better than Realdoll. I bought a 4Woods doll at the beginning of 2011. The face seems more than 20 years old, and smiles indulgently. The body is typically Asiatic with adult sized hips and very small breasts. I knew what her role was already. She fitted it from day one, and still does. I don’t often have sex with her, because carrying, undressing, making love, cleaning, dressing and carrying her back is a lot of work. Yet I still do sometimes, and the durability of this doll makes that possible.

I knew that my dolls played roles, but I hadn’t yet realised how important the role was, and made a mistake with my next purchase. EXDoll, a Chinese doll making company, is Japanese owned and uses silicone (while other Chinese doll makers use thermoplastic elastomers (TPE). EXDoll calls the brand Arte Tokio in Japan and DS in other countries. For the Japanese market, they make sex-dolls with very small breasts on child-sized bodies. These were offered on the DS website for a short time, and  I ordered one of them, because the pubic area of that model is more realistic than that of the 4Woods doll that I own (since then, 4Woods have improved it). I chose a head with half-open mouth, because I didn’t have a doll head like that.

When I unboxed the doll, the expression of the head turned out to be different from the pictures. It looked a little surprised, “What are you doing to me,” with an undertone of reluctance. Eye to eye, with that face, I took her virginity, which was very arousing and satisfying. But then I couldn’t give her a new role. The face still gazed at me the same way. I found and bought another head, second hand, with a dreamy expression, but then I didn’t want to have sex with her at all any more. The quality of the body was not as good as that of the 4Woods doll. The limbs felt firm, because of the amount of polyurethane foam that was used to save expensive silicone. The breasts sagged, as small as they were, and when I’d tried to fix the breasts, I had made them much worse through making ugly wounds in the silicone.

In the end, I sold the heads and gave the body and her clothes for free to the buyer. That was a doll lover in Hamburg, Germany, with whom I came in contact on a German site. We shook hands and made the trade on a parking place between our homes. We had a pleasant talk, but didn’t meet again.

My last purchase was a good one, but also surrounded with grief. In 2008, at about the same time that I became interested in dolls, Oleg Bratkov started a small business in Vladivostok, Russia, making life-size silicone dolls, suitable for sex. The business had two workers, his wife Irina, who worked part-time and did the painting, and Oleg himself, who worked full time, designing the dolls, making the moulds, making the skeletons, pouring the silicone, and shipping the dolls. Their company was too small to be a competitor, but Oleg wanted to challenge other makers to produce better quality dolls. He had been a metal worker before, and he claimed to make the best skeletons. Irina’s painting was important; Oleg really honoured the way she could bring a face to life. Later on, she designed some heads too.

Irina became interested in ‘reborn’ baby dolls, i.e. manufactured dolls that have been transformed by artists to be life-like, resembling human infants with as much realism as possible. She developed a new product, a silicone toddler doll with skeleton, painted like a ‘reborn’ baby doll, with implanted hair (usually sex-dolls have wigs). Maybe it was Oleg’s love for Irina that made him take his share in designing and producing these dolls. Yet he was courageous. He knew that he couldn’t discuss a child-like doll on the forums where his dolls got the attention they deserved. He couldn’t even use his brand, since that was connected with sex-dolls and he wanted to avoid that association. Instead, the first doll was offered on eBay, in summer of 2016, under Irina’s name, because she had sculpted, painted and implanted the hair of the doll.

I was immediately enthusiastic. I contacted Oleg, and he was willing to send a picture of the doll’s naked body. Like the Trottla doll, this doll is an anatomically correct little girl, not suitable for sex. But there the similarity ends. The Trottla doll looks older than 10 years, Irina’s doll seemed about 4. The Trottla doll is made of TPE (Trottla was the first one to choose this material), Irina’s doll is silicone. The Trottla doll has separated pubic lips and a clitoris, Irina’s doll has a pubic hill with a slit that’s closed like the mouth.

I placed bids on eBay for the doll, not intending to win the auction but to support the project. Yet I won! I was the only one to bid higher than the reserve price. So, I’m now the owner of Irina’s first doll. I gave my new doll a role. She is the toddler that I can take on my lap, that likes to be undressed, to be admired for her beauty and to be kissed in her pubic area. I told Oleg and Irina how happy I was with this doll, without telling them all the details about how I felt. Maybe they suspected, I don’t know. They announced a series of fifteen dolls, but they didn’t finish the series because Oleg died unexpectedly, in February 2017.

Oleg’s passing made a deep impression in the world of adult doll owners. Even Matt McMullen, founder and owner of the company behind Realdoll, wrote a condolence post on a forum. I think he considered Oleg a friend, for he doesn’t write frequently. Even though Oleg was very well respected in the world of adult doll owners, they don’t want to discuss the child-like dolls that he also made. It was impossible to continue the toddler series without him. I never met Oleg in person, but he was, besides creative and enterprising, a person who listened, a friend indeed. He’s in a better world now, but I miss him badly.

For me, collecting dolls keeps me from collecting child porn. Beauty counts to me and these dolls are always made to look beautiful. But not everyone will find satisfaction from replacing child pornography with child sex-dolls. People who say that a doll is fake, have never tried playing with a doll. The doll is real if it’s given a role. As soon as a doll becomes real to you, then the porn will be fake. Try taking a computer monitor on your lap. It feels different from a doll on your lap, doesn’t it?

Some people will say that porn has more to offer. A porn collector is a passive consumer, who lets the stuff go beyond his own imagination; that’s why a porn collector has never got enough. Since a doll collector uses his imagination to give the doll a role, therefore, he can choose to stay within the limit of that imagination. To me, that’s an advantage. I don’t want to be ruled by somebody else’s imagination. For the same reason, I don’t like drugs and I’m careful with alcohol. I know that these things can be addictive for others.

I strongly support the idea of child sex-dolls for paedophiles. But it takes more than ‘giving’ a doll to a paedophile. He must want it, and be willing to take control over himself. It won’t work for all paedophiles. But, for a paedophile who is willing to use a child-sex doll instead of harming a real child, and who is willing to stay within the limits of his own imagination, as I have, then a child sex-doll can be invaluable, and help to protect children.

Yours, sincerely

Albert Issendorf